This might seem like an odd question, I mean, you’re worrying right? You’re experiencing worried thoughts so you must be aware of them.
That’s not really my personal experience.
It’s only in recent years that I truly realised that worry was an issue for me. I pretty much hadn’t noticed. There had been periods in my life when I had worried a lot, but those had been during times of the Big Life Stresses - heartbreak, divorce, illness, moving house and so on. It’s completely normal to feel stress and anxiety during those times.
So I thought nothing of the worry.
Until a few years ago when my husband pointed out gently as an observer that my worrying was having a negative impact on every aspect of my life.
I remember thinking…
But constant worry is just normal isn’t it? Everybody overthinks like this.
Apparently not. I started to discover that some people don’t worry about everything. Some people don’t stand over their children while they sleep, feeling that intense rush of love immediately followed by ‘oh my god what if …. happened’ to them?
That’s how I realised that worrying was actually holding me back, not, as I had thought, keeping me safe. Safe from harm, safe from pain, and safe from heartbreak.
Since then I’ve learnt to spot my worried thoughts, and then challenge them or distract myself with something more joyful.
(Since then, I should add, watching Brene Brown’s Netflix documentary I discovered that actually quite a lot of us have those terrifying thoughts of something horrible happening to our families, but that’s another story).
Learning to spot the worrying has been the most difficult. When your brain quite happily chugs along in its normal tracks of worry and anxiety, it’s really hard to pull yourself out of the ruts.
I have found a few things that have helped me to notice when I am worrying…
Physical symptoms
When I was new to CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) I found it really hard to catch myself worrying. Often, the first time I would notice the worried thoughts would be when they had already triggered anxious feelings. The sudden ‘dropping’ feeling in my stomach, the tightening muscles in my jaw and hands, nausea or a racing heart. By the time I felt those feelings, the worried thought had already triggered them. I’d have to wait until the physical symptoms had passed and then try to challenge the thoughts I was having.
A friendly nudge
As I started to talk to my nearest and dearest about what I was experiencing, they started to get on board with gentle nudges. They now know the signs of my brain going into overdrive, and sometimes they can give me a little gentle prod to ask if I’m worrying about something? It’s often just enough to make me self-aware and start to deal with it.
Setting a reminder
Right at the beginning of my journey with worry, I found it really hard to notice when I was worrying, so I would set reminders on my phone every day, to nudge me to ask myself, what was I worrying about right now? Sometimes of course I would be busy or involved in something and so the answer would be nothing! But often it was enough to encourage myself to check in. The habit started to form and I soon became much better at noticing where I was at.
Looking out for other related feelings
Sometimes other feelings can directly link back to worry. Feelings of resentment, anger, irritability, shame and guilt can all be triggered by worried or negative thoughts. Those thoughts circulate (or ruminate) in your head until the feeling of related guilt or anger is triggered by your nervous system. Isn’t the body a fascinating thing? How often have you felt resentment, only to realise later that the resentment came from a series of thoughts (I love how Brene Brown puts it - “the stories we are telling ourselves”) about a situation for which you actually have no concrete evidence anyway?
Those are some of the ways I have learnt to spot when I am worrying excessively but how about you? What are your little nudges that give you a warning signal that your worrying has run out of control?